This week we take a look at a Writing Task 2 written by a Hong Kong working professional targeting a 7.0. There are a number of issues in this sample, including a rather subtle but common issue with many HK students. See if you can spot it:

✅❎ James’ comment on the student’s work:

Task achievement check.

Coherence and cohesion adequate.

Examples and arguments sound.

Better paragraphing, or, more careful topic sentence forming, will help. It is not necessary to put examples in a topic sentence, but rather, to articulate the point, followed by in the next sentence, examples, illustrations, analogies, etc. Possibly, since the two examples seemed central, to have them each in their own paragraph, with a paraphrased – not repeated – topic sentence that echoes and supports the thesis.

More effort in paraphrasing will help give a good first impression to the examiner, which of course, requires

some lexical resource.
Spelling is essential at 7.0 and above.
A “time out”, is essentially, temporary prison for children, not exactly time away from the classroom, thus slightly awkward.

Some over use of “and” indicates lack of practice and flexibility with complex sentence structures not withstanding at least one solid instance of a complex sentence.
To make an argument, make an argument; not, maybe, make an argument.
Consider as a conclusion closing sentence, rather than “could, should, may, might”:

Demanding that children grow in knowledge and creativity while pigeonholing them is both an antithetical oxymoron, and worse, cruel and inhumane.

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